


What If I Never Love Again?

by dickspeightjrs



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet, Bittersweet Ending, Canon Compliant, Emotions, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Sad, Sad Ending, Season/Series 15 Speculation, Slow Dancing, Song Lyrics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:47:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26256637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dickspeightjrs/pseuds/dickspeightjrs
Summary: It's all going down tomorrow. The biggest fight of their lives.Dean and Castiel are alone in the kitchen. Not a word is spoken between them. But everything is said.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 10
Kudos: 54





	What If I Never Love Again?

**Author's Note:**

> Based on ['All I Ask'](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jb5g4UFHmfQ) by Adele. (Recommend listening to the song first but not essential.)

_ I will leave my heart at the door _

_ I won't say a word _

_ They've all been said before you know _

_ So why don't we just play pretend _

_ Like we're not scared of what is coming next _

_ Or scared of having nothing left _

_ Look, don't get me wrong _

_ I know there is no tomorrow _

There’s nothing left to say. They know that the big fight will go down tomorrow. They know there’s a great chance of one of them not surviving tomorrow. 

Sam had finally been able to track down Chuck. He’d been hiding out, causing destruction from afar but he’d finally slipped up. Sam had shared the news with Dean and Castiel and they’d formed a plan for tomorrow. 

Now, Sam is in the library reading as much lore as he possibly can in the slight hope that it will help them. Just like he’d crammed for exams in what feels now like a previous life. The irony that the college life he’d left behind all those years ago was helping him even now is clear as day. 

As he’d left Dean and Castiel alone, he’d given Dean a look, eyes flitting momentarily to Castiel. Dean had known what that look meant but he’d just closed his eyes to it. He is terrified of what tomorrow might bring. Terrified that they might not survive it this time. Looking at Castiel, he imagines the angel is thinking the same. Though, neither one of them wants to express their fears, scared that the other doesn’t feel the same. 

The room has been silent since Sam left. Dean and Castiel remain seated at the table in the kitchen. But the quiet encourages Dean’s thoughts to travel quickly to dark places and endless ‘what-ifs’, so he rises from the table to flick on the radio. Normally, Dean scoffs at the radio, instead finding solace in the familiar sounds of his records. But now, he needs some white noise to shine away the shadows creeping into his head. 

Castiel’s gentle gaze remains on Dean as the hunter moves around the kitchen, setting the music to a low volume. Dean can feel it like a spotlight. A sharp, bright focus, solely on him. He can’t help but feel like he should say something comforting, or let out a sarcastic quip like he usually would to dispel the tension. But he finds he can’t. He doesn’t want to think about the truths of tomorrow but he also can’t bring himself to plaster on his go-to false confidence. Not this time. 

_ All I ask is _

_ If this is my last night with you _

_ Hold me like I'm more than just a friend _

_ Give me a memory I can use _

_ Take me by the hand while we do what lovers do _

_ It matters how this ends _

_ 'Cause what if I never love again? _

One song bleeds into another. Until, the soft but heartfelt tones of a woman filter through. Dean recognises the voice but can’t place the name. As the opening lyrics begin, he can’t help but chuckle internally to himself at the irony of hearing everything he wants to say being sung out instead.

With a deep, steady breath, and a small burst of confidence, Dean rises to his feet. Castiel follows the movement with his eyes, which become confused when Dean holds out a hand wordlessly. Trusting Dean instinctively, Castiel takes the hand and rises to his feet. 

Avoiding Castiel’s eyes, Dean gently pulls the angel into his chest, continuing to grip his hand like a lifeline and carefully slipping his other hand along Castiel’s back. He’d touched the trench coat Castiel wore many times before but he’d never  _ felt _ it. The rough but consistent feel of the material under his fingertips is distinctly Castiel in a way that Dean could never properly explain. 

Castiel’s confusion seems to disappear with Dean’s movements. He grips Dean’s hand right back with a fierce certainty, and moves a hand to the small of Dean’s back. Their heads rest against each other in such a way that means they can’t see the other’s face. Even without being able to see it in his expression, Dean is assured that Castiel understands what he’s trying to do, trying to  _ say _ , by the way he naturally matches the way Dean sways their bodies to the smooth timbre of the singer’s voice. 

At this moment, the only people that exist in the entire universe are Dean and Castiel. The hunter and the angel, who gripped him tight and raised him from perdition. 

Anything else outside the room just falls away as Dean lets himself sink into the way Castiel’s embrace feels. He allows himself to pretend that this is real. That he’d finally had the courage to voice his feelings aloud. The feelings he’d had bottled up for years. 

As they continue to step together, Dean lets his head shift down slowly to rest on Castiel’s shoulder, turning his face into the neck of the angel. He takes in the scent from Castiel. An unassuming but strong essence to him that Dean has never experienced before, but now could surely never live without. 

_ I don't need your honesty _

_ It's already in your eyes _

_ And I'm sure my eyes, they speak for me _

_ No one knows me like you do _

_ And since you're the only one that matters _

_ Tell me who do I run to? _

_ Look, don't get me wrong _

_ I know there is no tomorrow _

Castiel pulls away ever so slightly from their embrace to unclasp his hand from Dean’s and reposition it against his other at Dean’s back. Dean mirrors the action and allows himself, finally, to look into Castiel’s eyes. 

He feels foolish that he’d been worried about whether Castiel would understand what he was trying to express. 

It was all in the eyes of the angel. Eyes that were once so cold and unmoving towards Dean, and anyone else they set their sights upon. But now, they show nothing but warmth and love. 

Dean would never kid himself into thinking that any of the looks, the  _ gazes _ that lasted a touch too long, that Castiel gave him were anything more than friendly. But now, with only he and Castiel in the room, Dean could deny it no longer. The look of complete adoration in Castiel’s eyes tells Dean all he needs to know. 

He only hopes that his eyes are shining the same. 

_ All I ask is _

_ If this is my last night with you _

_ Hold me like I'm more than just a friend _

_ Give me a memory I can use _

_ Take me by the hand while we do what lovers do _

_ It matters how this ends _

_ 'Cause what if I never love again? _

Quickly, Dean becomes overwhelmed and rests his forehead against Castiel’s, breaking the connection. Reality crashes through the door and Dean is left with the realisation that Castiel could be taken from him tomorrow. He could never see those beautiful blue eyes again, smell that increasingly intoxicating scent. 

He wouldn’t let it happen.

From the outside, Dean continues to sway peacefully with Castiel in his arms. But on the inside, his brain is working over time. 

He curses himself for wasting so much time. Being scared of what others would think. Of Castiel being taken away. And here they are on the eve of another showdown, possibly their biggest yet, and he can’t help but regret all the time lost. All the excuses he’d given himself for not confessing his true feelings to Castiel seem so stupid now. 

He’d never felt this connection with another person before. Sure he’d loved Lisa and even Cassie. But even a year spent with Lisa and he could never let himself relax. The stress of constantly being on guard, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for one of their many enemies to show up, or for Lisa to realise what a mess Dean was and leave him - whichever came first. 

But Castiel,  _ god _ , he knows it all. The first time he ever saw Dean, he was stripped bare, down to his beaten soul, and Castiel still thought he was worth saving. He’s seen all of Dean’s lowest moments (of which Dean knows there have been far too many for one man’s lifetime) and he still sees Dean’s significance to the world. 

To have found a love that is all-consuming with someone who knows every one of your demons and still reciprocates that love? It certainly makes the life Dean has lived seem worth it. All the sacrifices he’s had to make. All the days he’s wanted to give up and let the monster take him. All of it is worth it because it has led to this moment. 

And now Dean knows what it’s like to be held by the angel, in a way he’d never dare dream to be. He knows that if Castiel were taken from him tomorrow, he wouldn’t ever find this again. 

_ Let this be our lesson in love _

_ Let this be the way we remember us _

_ I don't wanna be cruel or vicious _

_ And I ain't asking for forgiveness _

If Dean survives and makes it to an old age, he wants this moment with Castiel to be the one he remembers until his dying breath. Because in this moment nothing else matters, not the times they’ve argued, not the times they’ve betrayed each other. Only this. Only the feel of each other’s breath against their faces. Only the beating of their hearts against each other.

As the song begins to draw to a close, Dean stops their subtle dancing and looks Castiel in the eyes once more. Moving a hand up to rest on Castiel’s jawline, Dean knows immediately what he needs to do now. If he doesn’t, he might just burst. 

Without a second’s more thought, and with Castiel’s trusting eyes watching Dean’s every minute movement, Dean leans in to capture Castiel’s lips in a deep, eager kiss. Castiel joins Dean and matches his desperation. 

To Dean, it feels like when he finally took a gasp of air after pulling himself out of the grave. He feels like he’s got new life within him. A spark of potential that has just been created. He knows that he’ll never deny himself of this feeling again. 

Little does he know, regardless of what occurs with Chuck tomorrow. He’s just made Castiel happier than he had ever been before. And with his first true and ready expression of love, Dean has already sealed their fate. 

_ All I ask is _

_ If this is my last night with you _

_ Hold me like I'm more than just a friend _

_ Give me a memory I can use _

_ Take me by the hand while we do what lovers do _

_ It matters how this ends _

_ 'Cause what if I never love again? _

**Author's Note:**

> Also posted on my [tumblr](https://dickspeightjrs.tumblr.com/). (Follow me?)
> 
> If you're on tumblr, consider checking out and requesting a prompt from my ['30 Destiel Prompts' challenge.](https://dickspeightjrs.tumblr.com/post/626272747933302784/so-if-you-followed-me-like-4-million-years-ago)
> 
> Comment and give a kudos if you liked?


End file.
